Character Sheet
To understand the chaos, you must know the men behind it:
- Rocco Commisso (The Former Chairman): The Godfather. Viewed football entirely through ledgers. Would congratulate you on a 6-0 win, then threaten to liquidate your budget because of the coffee bill.
- Francesco Conti (Assistant Manager): A 64-year-old Italian purist. Survives on black coffee and tactical cynicism. Deals with unhappy reserves so I don’t have to.
- Alessandro (Set Piece Coach): A theoretical genius with a 500-page binder of corner routines that usually end in our own-goals. Kept around for his colourful PowerPoints.
- Marco (Head Scout): The exhausted enabler. Lives in a budget hotel in São Paulo, desperately swiping through Wyscout videos to feed my unhinged transfer addiction at 3:00 AM.
- Rolando Mandragora: The Stalwart. Dropped his transfer request purely out of pity when he saw me panicking.
- Albert Guðmundsson: Patient Zero for “ReykjavÃk Syndrome.” From sulking to Stockholm Syndrome, he would now take a bullet for me.
- Pio Esposito: The Italian Son I Never Had. The Golden Boy. I am actively petitioning the city council to build a statue of him.
- Pietro Comuzzo: The Wonderkid Who Hates Compliments. Visibly offended by praise. Thrives entirely on neglect.
- Ciro Immobile: The Spite Signing. Existing purely to annoy the entire city of Rome.
- Luca Lezzerini: The Forever Backup / Chief Vibes Officer. Our Graham Stack. Spent his wages organising Christmas parties and cutting the toes out of people’s socks.