Act VII: The Great Winter Clearout and the Purple Suit
To push for the title, sacrifices had to be made. As January opened, I took a ruthless axe to the wage bill:
- Harry Maguire & Matteo Darmian: The defensive stalwarts of last season were no longer needed. Harry was offered out to clear his £105k-a-week wages, and 36-year-old Darmian was released.
- Nemanja Matić: Shipped off to Girona.
- Lucas Beltrán & Alessandro Bianco: Boxed up and placed on the transfer list.
In total, I shed over £200k-a-week in wages. To celebrate this phenomenal boardroom clearance, I decided it was time to fully embrace the culture of Florence. I abandoned all basic sartorial decency. I am now managing from the touchline in a head-to-toe, violently purple three-piece suit, complete with a beige tie and slicked-back hair.
Freed from the deadwood, the squad exploded into 2025. We dismantled Parma 4-1, cleanly dispatched Lecce 2-0, and battered Modena 4-1. We vaulted into 2nd place, just two points behind league-leaders Inter. And Iain’s mega-rich Lazio? Languishing down in 5th place.
Act VIII: Saudi Temptations, Proxy Wars, and Reykjavík Syndrome
The Svilar Dilemma (and the Loss of the Moral High Ground):
Mile Svilar had been magnificent. Ten clean sheets, leading the league. But five months after joining us, his agent marched into my office and demanded an £800k-a-week contract. A 1000% pay rise.
I was absolutely appalled. I gave a rousing speech about the honour of the purple shirt and laughed him out of the room. But then, the Saudis called me. A bid of £53 million arrived on my desk.
Within approximately 4.2 seconds, my profound moral objections to Saudi sports-washing vanished entirely. I accepted the bid so fast I nearly sprained my clicking finger. I immediately lined up Elia Caprile for a mere £2.5m as a pending replacement. Let it be known that Fiorentina is now a partially Saudi-backed enterprise. I am a hypocrite. But I will cry myself to sleep on a mattress stuffed with a £60m transfer budget.
(To cover the defensive gaps left by Darmian’s exit, I also secured a £2m deal for Arsenal’s Cristhian Mosquera).
The Proxy War, Part II:
Meanwhile, the off-pitch battle with Iain reached boiling point. I hijacked Fabio Miretti from Juventus for £3m—a player Iain desperately wanted. Miretti’s response? He scored twice on his debut in the cup. We are currently locked in a straight shootout with Lazio for the free transfer of Harvey Elliott.
But the ultimate spite signing? I needed a backup striker. I looked at the scoring charts. Sitting just behind my own Pio Esposito (15 goals) was a 34-year-old veteran having a miracle season for Bologna (13 goals). Ciro Immobile. The absolute legend of Lazio. The man whose face is painted on murals around Iain’s stadium. I submitted a bid of £1 million. Bologna accepted.
A Note on Squad Harmony:
And finally, the dressing room vibes. Remember Albert Guðmundsson? The man who spent half of last season sulking on the treatment table? Well, Reykjavík Syndrome has officially set in. He now officially lists me under “Favoured Personnel.” Stockholm syndrome has never looked so good.